Thursday, August 28, 2014

How deep it runs

I always knew that motherhood would run deep. But I never understood its constant intensity. I had a very real moment last night. I will share it with you. Motherhood is not easy even if you wanted it with all your being and you said you would never complain. I will eat my words for years to come. 

My little baby had a very rough day yesterday. I am new to this mommy thing and he is new to this living outside the womb thing. He was fussy. He was hungry. He was tired. He was grumpy. I noticed in the early afternoon some changes with his breathing. He was making some weird sounds that I was unsure about. My mom is a nurse practitioner and I take video when I worry and send it to her. She usually calls me and calms my fears and that is that. Well, yesterday she didn't do that. She wanted to come look at him. My anxiety sky rocketed. My mom didn't unnecessarily cause concern. She just wanted to make sure he was okay. So she came and looked at him and then held him as he feel asleep on her chest. 

I was getting worked up with worry every second. And then we tried to wake him...he wouldn't wake. Still breathing, twitching intensely. Scary. Finally my mom was able to rouse him with a wet wash cloth, wiping his face. The anxiety came crashing down. I started to shake and sob. I was exhausted. I was emotional. I have never had so much worry for another human being in my life. 

The intensity of loss is real my friends. I have gone through ten years of loss, this new life without loss is different. I am always scared I am one moment away from the most devastating loss of all, losing this little boy who my heart loves so unconditionally. I was literally scared to go to bed, expecting it to be another sleepless night full of worry. 

And then a prayer. I prayed and begged for some relief. If I needed to worry, please urge me to find an answer. If I needed to try and let go of the worry, please calm my fears. Then the night came and our sweet baby had a very normal night. No weird breathing. Waking up to eat at the regular times. Eating his entire bottle. Get some good burps out. Then he was awake all day today, bright eyed and happy. Not fussy. My prayers seem to always be answered in such amazing ways. 

I always knew that I would love the baby that came into our lives and filled the hole in my heart. I knew I would thank God everyday for finally answering my prayer. I knew that everything would be different. I knew the desperation would flee and be filled with completeness. And those things have happened. But what I didn't understand was the level of intuition required to mother a child. The constant prayers of pleading of protection for this little spirit that has filled my life. The anxiety ridden moments when he is doing something weird or is upset and I have no idea what to do. I didn't know I would call my pediatrician and my mom a million times to ask if that is normal. I didn't know I would count down the seconds until my husband got home because just having him here makes everything feel more doable. 

It's all these things mixed together that I giving me the experience of my life. I am learning things in strides and everyday the pain of the last ten years slips away as it is filled with the smiles and little toes of my baby boy. It's miraculous isn't it? the world flipping upside down and around? 

I am lucky enough to have the best woman in the world to show me the way, my mother. She says things like this, and it makes it seem like I can do anything...

My life is changed. Adoption has changed my life. It changes my heart every moment I realize that I didn't need to carry this baby to love him so much. Being his mother is the joy and anxiety of my life. This can only have come about grand design. Thankfully the Lord orchestrated the most beautiful event, the birth and adoption of our baby. Oh how the love runs deep.  I will never be the same.

No comments:

Post a Comment